 | ShatterStorm Productions
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| ShatterStorm Productions
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Primary Character(s): Catherine Willows
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++ Catherine ++
Growing up, if someone had told me this is what my life would be like as an adult, I'd have told them to fuck off and die. It was always just Mom, Nancy, and me. Yeah, Sam was around, I guess, but he certainly wasn't a father. But he certainly didn't mind "taking care" of me when I was working for him. Then again, he did the same thing for my mom, so I guess he's at least consistent with his womenfolk, hunh?
I always had a suspicion there was more to his preferential treatment of me, but I couldn't prove it until I came across a case at work that involved him. And I saw red when I finally had proof that Sam had fathered me. All those years, he always gave me the best clients, the best perks, the best tips…the best drugs. Well, the drugs might not have come directly from Sam, but he could certainly see I was using. And yet, he never did a thing about it.
It took Eddie to get me off the drugs. Okay, let's be straight here. It took Lindsey. Looking back, and knowing what I know now, I'll put stock in the fact of her being a Sentinel that really helped me kick the cocaine habit. Whether it's true or not, it's what I'm choosing to believe.
Eddie and I were doomed from the start. Hell, I fell in love with the guy while I was flying high on coke. I was a drugged out stripper. I'll never honestly know what he saw in me, and even if he was still alive, I doubt he'd have a clue. For all I know, he was attracted to the very parts of me that terrified him in Dace.
There have been a lot of decisions in my life that I've regretted. But I've also learned that perhaps if I hadn't had those decisions and their results, I wouldn't be where I am today. And for as much as she exasperates the hell out of me at times, I wouldn't want to have anyone by my side more than Dace. Oh, I fought it, but it was a losing battle. I adore her in ways that I hadn't thought possible. She completes and complements a part of me I hadn't accepted was lacking. She's a decision I honestly don't regret. Not that I really had a hell of a lot of choice in the matter. By the time we'd figured out what could happen if a Sentinel was without the necessary Guide, there was no way I could even consider walking away from Dace.
The woman is an enigma wrapped in a contradiction. She's had so many things happen to her, especially when she was growing up, and yet she's turned out so incredibly well adjusted. And she's taken that background, that history of hers, and brought it forward to help other people. Yes, she's a Sentinel, and it's in her nature to serve, protect, and save. But it's more than that. She has a real connection with people, and a way of getting to the root of their problems and helping them. Provided they really want the help.
She's done it with me, Linds, and Sara. And I'm pretty sure Lindsey and Sara are grateful for it. I know I am. She's helped me understand that being the overbearing bitch isn't always the best plan of attack. Nor is the blatant sexuality route. She's grounded me in a way that I hadn't expected. And that I desperately needed, whether I care to admit it or not. And now, I do admit it. I need her to be complete, and given my background, willingly admitting to a weakness is highly undesirable. But I've learned that it's okay to admit a weakness, and to hell with the sharks that are circling hungrily. Admitting the weakness is the first step in becoming stronger. At least, that's what Dace has been teaching Lindsey and Emily. And Sara and me by extension.
Of course, having the triplets around has been an eye-opening experience, too. I'd almost forgotten what it's like to have such a tiny being that’s so completely dependent on you. And it's been exponentially so with triplets. I've got to hand it to Dace for recovering from their birth so damned quickly. I mean the four little ones in Colorado have three sets of lactating tits to feed them. Dace is taking care of three on her own. She always has been a fucking overachiever.
And she makes me want to do better, as well. To take the innate abilities I have, refine them, use them, make them such a vital part of my very being that I can't live without them. And it's damned hard. Knowing that I am the final chance for her survival if she zones out? That shit freaks the fuck out of me. And what would happen if I ever fumble? Or if something happens at a crime scene and I'm taken out? What then? Or if she gets hurt? Something tells me I would be just as bereft and devastated if I lost her as she would be without me. And from my conversations with Blair, he seems to agree.
But I wouldn't change a single minute of it.
I'm much more alert now. I've learned to channel my anxieties into something far more productive. Sara and I aren't nearly as antagonistic as we used to be, though we do still tend to butt heads at work on a semi-regular basis. It's completely different from our home life. And that's totally fine with me. I prefer keeping those two places separate. So does Dace.
But I think the biggest change I've noticed since Dace walked into my life is that I've become much calmer, more centered in my own skin. It's like I've found my purpose in life, my raison d'être, and all the puzzle pieces are falling into place. My relationship with Lindsey has grown closer than I'd ever hoped possible. I feel like a completely new woman in a completely comfortable body.
It's great to be alive.
